Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Where's the catch ?

Last Saturday I was at this awesome concert for this band Mad Sin. God ,it was probably one of the best gigs I’ve been to so far , although the acoustics were horrible, I’d do it so much better than the guy they hired .

Anyway, I was there  and for the first time since my boyfriend left , I didn’t feel lonely . The important fact is that I went there completely alone , just me and my cigarettes , but I didn’t feel alone. I was given this fantastic ability to get to know people in random places and so I did this time – I started asking about tickets and ended up sitting with some crazy guys from Cracow. The only thing we had in common was the place, the time and the music. Then the whole Sunday I was dying out of the curiosity how was that possible that being in a crowd of tattooed and walking like a zombie people I felt so incredibly good and safe, even though I didn’t talk much- which is weird for me too.

The same feeling hit me yesterday in the evening when I was sitting alone in the class, in front of the piano , staring at my notes and feeling so great , having my violin next to me and hearing disturbing noises from the class next to me. I enjoyed being there alone, composing and trying to harmonize random notes. Then I started wondering what’s actually wrong with me, the one who always complains about going out and doing everything with no company. I took a sheet of paper , wrote down all activities and I punctuated  which of those I was doing alone.  Cooking – alone , taking a shower- alone, watching ‘Sex and the city’ – alone, the gig - alone , waking up- alone, eating breakfast- alone, dancing- alone, doing the shopping – alone , choosing the shoes- alone, playing the violin- alone , sleeping – alone…  It kinda scared me, that almost all things I’ve done in last few days didn’t involve anyone’s help or presence.

But what scared me even more is that I started enjoying my lonely lifestyle . It’s comfortable for me to sit there ,in front of my virtual reality , thinking about stupid things with a cup of coffee. I am extremely chilled being abandoned by my real friends and focused on sounds .  And maybe I shouldn’t admit that but I don’t want to change it right now, I like my life the way it is in this particular moment.  Weird and disturbing , isn’t it ?

But, there’s another question. Why, despite of  feeling so safe, independent and pleased , surrounded by my thoughts and own little passions, I still miss some people? Because yes, I do miss my little brother who probably is a big boy right now since the last time I’ve seen him was 2 weeks ago and I miss so much my cute boyfriend who’s still definitely too far away from me and I’d become deaf just to be with him right now. So, am I pretending to myself that I’m doing great or I just used to loneliness that much, that finally I’m able to deal with it ?

Hm. There must be a catch. Gotta find it !

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Ladies and gentlemen !

I announce to you that there’s no thing like the perfect relationship!

There are always scratches , even if we believe everything will be okay. But then , why do we still hope for a perfect relationship and keep searching in the ocean of men for the special one? We try to act mature while we’re so silly believing it this myth , because we all exactly know that the perfect relationship doesn’t exist.  The mother nature gave us the great drawback that complicates our life so much – a hopeless hope . Why ? Did we really deserve it ?

I always thought that all my relationships I had so far were perfect. But the more I think about it, the more obvious it seems to me that any of those was perfect. My relationship with sweets was a complete failure , plus – it was unhealthy, even though it seemed to be so sweet. My relationship with painkillers and other pills didn’t give me more than another problems with health. Another relationship, the one with coffee and cigarettes , that I’m still in, became an unhealthy and pointless addiction . The one with music is really awesome but it gives me so much disappointments that sometimes I’d rather be deaf than playing the violin and studying all that music stuff. Finally, my relationship with the man I love so much keeps surprising me , because this one seemed to be the relationship I’ve ever dreamed of. Suddenly it turned out as a big, long-distance mess  that shapes my lifestyle, my future and mood all the time. Well , it doesn’t sound so perfect. I should end it up but this little thing called love makes me believe that all that stuff happens and I am just overreacting.

I am certain that all of us can give at least one example of such relationship. We need to be in relationships , to be involved in different kind of affairs to function properly , even though we know it won’t be perfect. How about we stop looking for the perfect relationship and settle for the fine one? Why can’t we accept the fact that nothing is perfect and we keep heading all those sad disappointments . I don’t mean that I’m wiser than all people out there and I don’t suffer from sick relationships anymore, it’s rather inversely but why does it have to be so painful when we find out that any relationship will never ever meet our needs. It makes me feel so upset and disappointed, again.

Maybe we just need to be disappointed to feel that we are alive ? Maybe we’re in a relationship with disappointment ? Which is not perfect as well.