Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Where's the catch ?

Last Saturday I was at this awesome concert for this band Mad Sin. God ,it was probably one of the best gigs I’ve been to so far , although the acoustics were horrible, I’d do it so much better than the guy they hired .

Anyway, I was there  and for the first time since my boyfriend left , I didn’t feel lonely . The important fact is that I went there completely alone , just me and my cigarettes , but I didn’t feel alone. I was given this fantastic ability to get to know people in random places and so I did this time – I started asking about tickets and ended up sitting with some crazy guys from Cracow. The only thing we had in common was the place, the time and the music. Then the whole Sunday I was dying out of the curiosity how was that possible that being in a crowd of tattooed and walking like a zombie people I felt so incredibly good and safe, even though I didn’t talk much- which is weird for me too.

The same feeling hit me yesterday in the evening when I was sitting alone in the class, in front of the piano , staring at my notes and feeling so great , having my violin next to me and hearing disturbing noises from the class next to me. I enjoyed being there alone, composing and trying to harmonize random notes. Then I started wondering what’s actually wrong with me, the one who always complains about going out and doing everything with no company. I took a sheet of paper , wrote down all activities and I punctuated  which of those I was doing alone.  Cooking – alone , taking a shower- alone, watching ‘Sex and the city’ – alone, the gig - alone , waking up- alone, eating breakfast- alone, dancing- alone, doing the shopping – alone , choosing the shoes- alone, playing the violin- alone , sleeping – alone…  It kinda scared me, that almost all things I’ve done in last few days didn’t involve anyone’s help or presence.

But what scared me even more is that I started enjoying my lonely lifestyle . It’s comfortable for me to sit there ,in front of my virtual reality , thinking about stupid things with a cup of coffee. I am extremely chilled being abandoned by my real friends and focused on sounds .  And maybe I shouldn’t admit that but I don’t want to change it right now, I like my life the way it is in this particular moment.  Weird and disturbing , isn’t it ?

But, there’s another question. Why, despite of  feeling so safe, independent and pleased , surrounded by my thoughts and own little passions, I still miss some people? Because yes, I do miss my little brother who probably is a big boy right now since the last time I’ve seen him was 2 weeks ago and I miss so much my cute boyfriend who’s still definitely too far away from me and I’d become deaf just to be with him right now. So, am I pretending to myself that I’m doing great or I just used to loneliness that much, that finally I’m able to deal with it ?

Hm. There must be a catch. Gotta find it !

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