shining in the universe .

There I was, sitting in your chair
Looking for your fingerprint
Sending ultra sounds through the fabric,
from my skin to your heart
I got a smile like loneliness
and a pale twinkle in my eye
Choose me and it's yours

Because there's nothing in the world
that can keep me away from shining in the universe for you.

'So I start the revolution from my bed!'

To my dismay I keep on modyfiying my whole life and it seems to be an awesome idea.
Finally I am not stressed out permanently , I don't scream at people that much [excluding my sister, she's the only one who can always drive me crazy ], I drink and smoke too much, I keep on loosing weight and well . Basically I am quite happy right now. ^^

And I do care ^^ .

note : 'uncaring mode' has been activated successfully .

Being an enthusiast of hating everything and everyone I would like to announce that I am extremely bored of being mad and angry all the time so the thing I am going to say is thaaaat since today I am going to sail through my life cheerfully in the direction of the lighthouse blah blah blah .

Unfortunately I've broken the promise I had made to myself in the morning and I didn't manage to stay calm even one day. I suspect it might be caused by some things that took place today, but actually I am not so willing to make any speculations about it right now and right here. 
I activated 'uncaring mode' and there's no thing that can destroy my inner balance , which by the way is being quite unstable since I can remember ^^ . But who cares . 

Oh noooo , winamp is messing with me again. I don't like when that happens. There's so much things happening I would like to change but it seems I am the only one who cares about it even while being uncaring. 

I'm in love , I'm in love, I'M IN LOVE !

'senność' / 'sleepiness' .

"Psychiatra biczuje się wspomnieniem troski Pana Męża, chciałby być na jego miejscu, chciałby zabrać stąd Różę i samemu stać się jej domem, Psychiatra wie, że ludzie tak naprawdę mogą mieszkać tylko w innych ludziach, wie, że depresja to nic innego, jak bezdomność, na depresję cierpią ludzie, którzy nie mają w kim mieszkać, Psychiatra ma nadzieję, że Róża sama to zrozumie, stara się ją naprowadzić, delikatnie , ostrożnie; uwaga, udało się, Róża, słysząc o Panu Mężu, wstaje, przechadza się, ależ jest piękna, Psychiatra chciałby ją zaprosić do siebie, mogliby nawet zamieszkać w sobie nawzajem, ubolewa nad tym, że poznał ją dopiero jako pacjentkę; cicho, Róża chce coś powiedzieć:

-Panie doktorze ... Czy to jest normalne, kiedy ktoś ma sen, który się powtarza, ciągle ten sam, chociaż się go nie chce? ... I wszystko w nim jest takie... realne. 

-Mhm, to jest możliwe... A jakiż to sen panią prześladuje? 

-Śni mi się, że mój mąż jest... cholernym sukinsynem. "

Shame there's no English translation of the book ['Senność' by Wojciech Kuczok ], but probably then the book would loose a lot of charm which is an effect of the author's skillful play on words- except when really great translator would do that. Anyway , I prefer to read the original version , which by the way is so great that I can't stop reading it, literally. I am so over the moon with this piece of Polish contemporary literature .
Maybe when I finish reading it I will find right words to write a good review, but I doubt it. And I am pretty sure no one will ever read this book, so it's simply pointless. 

Fantastic expectations amazing revelations .

Never expect from a man that he will understand you and support you, because in the moment you need him the most, he will probably disappear under unknown circumstances. That’s the first expectation-revelation, although I guess many women have discovered that on their own .

It’s not revolutionary that every man, literally every man, no matter what kind of relationship you’re both in ,  is able to finally screw you and left things the way they are without any explanations. He won’t even say a word about it later. Therefore men are assholes, who generally don’t have any moral rules to fallow, and in fact it’s quite understandable. But it doesn’t mean I should approve of that.

They tend to imagine things, fabricate half-lies and white lies plus simply overinterpret  all things you would ever say, no matter what your intention was. Isn’t that just annoying ?

Stop expecting, stop looking for this only one, stop expecting what you’ll never get, find yourself a better passion. Deserve you spare time for something else that you’re more likely to bloom with, than fade away and blur your existence. Because no one is entitled to waste your energy and to suck your desire to do something extraordinary out of your blood . I never agreed on this kind of deal and I will not. I don’t need more boundaries , I got them too much already.

And now I know why I won’t get married , why I didn’t take advantage of men when I had a chance to and why I live alone and do all the stuff by myself. I was born to be single .  Should I fear now ?

“I’m made from stardust, same DNA as stardust” . Ha, wish I was. 

I'm on fire bejbe, I'm on fire !

Hey boy, hey girl, i’m sick and I’m dying! I mean I’m not dying literally, but I’m barely breathing, when I cough my belly hurts and I can’t move my legs, it hurts so much. Plus, I keep sneezing all the time what drives me crazy and kills my throat. The only thing that actually suits me in this physical disorder  is the fact, that I can sleep for about 12h, high five! Though, I don’t want to emphasize how big my suffering is but I want to influence on your morality and force someone to come over and look after me, as now it’s the job of pillows. They do it quite good but they’re not so talkative and can’t bring me some tea, which is a shame.

Anyway, although I suffer from very mean cold, I can’t stop functioning and fall into temporary laziness. So I’m reading and watching ‘Miami Ink’. Omigod, Kat Von D is probably the hottest American lady in the world ! She’s that hot that she’s hot even for me. And she’s the walking phenomenon as all guys love her body while the same guys think they prefer skinny girls. I was always trying to be the skeleton covered with skin but now I got confused. It seems like my life goal is a sign of my own stupidity and misunderstanding of men’s needs. But , in my defense, I want to say that actually it’s all their fault as they can’t decide what do they like more – more or less? If I was a mind reader, I’d be tickled pink! For now, I should survive with the pack of knowledge I already have, unless the cold kills me. But, Mister God, if you’re somewhere out there , please don’t let me die in this horrible agony, pretty please with sugar on top! I’m too young, too pretty and not famous enough to die here and now.

Okay okay, I know that this is a senseless talk, I’ve got a fever and I’m on fire, my sex is on fire too and I’m coming back to bed. I feel like I need it. 

Where's the catch ?

Last Saturday I was at this awesome concert for this band Mad Sin. God ,it was probably one of the best gigs I’ve been to so far , although the acoustics were horrible, I’d do it so much better than the guy they hired .

Anyway, I was there  and for the first time since my boyfriend left , I didn’t feel lonely . The important fact is that I went there completely alone , just me and my cigarettes , but I didn’t feel alone. I was given this fantastic ability to get to know people in random places and so I did this time – I started asking about tickets and ended up sitting with some crazy guys from Cracow. The only thing we had in common was the place, the time and the music. Then the whole Sunday I was dying out of the curiosity how was that possible that being in a crowd of tattooed and walking like a zombie people I felt so incredibly good and safe, even though I didn’t talk much- which is weird for me too.

The same feeling hit me yesterday in the evening when I was sitting alone in the class, in front of the piano , staring at my notes and feeling so great , having my violin next to me and hearing disturbing noises from the class next to me. I enjoyed being there alone, composing and trying to harmonize random notes. Then I started wondering what’s actually wrong with me, the one who always complains about going out and doing everything with no company. I took a sheet of paper , wrote down all activities and I punctuated  which of those I was doing alone.  Cooking – alone , taking a shower- alone, watching ‘Sex and the city’ – alone, the gig - alone , waking up- alone, eating breakfast- alone, dancing- alone, doing the shopping – alone , choosing the shoes- alone, playing the violin- alone , sleeping – alone…  It kinda scared me, that almost all things I’ve done in last few days didn’t involve anyone’s help or presence.

But what scared me even more is that I started enjoying my lonely lifestyle . It’s comfortable for me to sit there ,in front of my virtual reality , thinking about stupid things with a cup of coffee. I am extremely chilled being abandoned by my real friends and focused on sounds .  And maybe I shouldn’t admit that but I don’t want to change it right now, I like my life the way it is in this particular moment.  Weird and disturbing , isn’t it ?

But, there’s another question. Why, despite of  feeling so safe, independent and pleased , surrounded by my thoughts and own little passions, I still miss some people? Because yes, I do miss my little brother who probably is a big boy right now since the last time I’ve seen him was 2 weeks ago and I miss so much my cute boyfriend who’s still definitely too far away from me and I’d become deaf just to be with him right now. So, am I pretending to myself that I’m doing great or I just used to loneliness that much, that finally I’m able to deal with it ?

Hm. There must be a catch. Gotta find it !

Ladies and gentlemen !

I announce to you that there’s no thing like the perfect relationship!

There are always scratches , even if we believe everything will be okay. But then , why do we still hope for a perfect relationship and keep searching in the ocean of men for the special one? We try to act mature while we’re so silly believing it this myth , because we all exactly know that the perfect relationship doesn’t exist.  The mother nature gave us the great drawback that complicates our life so much – a hopeless hope . Why ? Did we really deserve it ?

I always thought that all my relationships I had so far were perfect. But the more I think about it, the more obvious it seems to me that any of those was perfect. My relationship with sweets was a complete failure , plus – it was unhealthy, even though it seemed to be so sweet. My relationship with painkillers and other pills didn’t give me more than another problems with health. Another relationship, the one with coffee and cigarettes , that I’m still in, became an unhealthy and pointless addiction . The one with music is really awesome but it gives me so much disappointments that sometimes I’d rather be deaf than playing the violin and studying all that music stuff. Finally, my relationship with the man I love so much keeps surprising me , because this one seemed to be the relationship I’ve ever dreamed of. Suddenly it turned out as a big, long-distance mess  that shapes my lifestyle, my future and mood all the time. Well , it doesn’t sound so perfect. I should end it up but this little thing called love makes me believe that all that stuff happens and I am just overreacting.

I am certain that all of us can give at least one example of such relationship. We need to be in relationships , to be involved in different kind of affairs to function properly , even though we know it won’t be perfect. How about we stop looking for the perfect relationship and settle for the fine one? Why can’t we accept the fact that nothing is perfect and we keep heading all those sad disappointments . I don’t mean that I’m wiser than all people out there and I don’t suffer from sick relationships anymore, it’s rather inversely but why does it have to be so painful when we find out that any relationship will never ever meet our needs. It makes me feel so upset and disappointed, again.

Maybe we just need to be disappointed to feel that we are alive ? Maybe we’re in a relationship with disappointment ? Which is not perfect as well.